Thought Sketch #0005: True Love Will Find You In The End
Thought Sketches are the long-form microblogging notes I would traditionally post to Facebook, Tumblr, etc. These thoughts are documented here as brief snippets of thought and contemplation, a public journal of my observations and insights, as I’m not really one for blogging or writing the way I’m “supposed” to.
Note #1: True Love & Going Home
My beloved who passed away sent me True Love Will Find You In The End shortly before she made her final journey home. I have loved exactly 3 people with that level of soul-stirring, and she was the first one who made true love in its most pure and label-free incarnation real to me.
It's been 10 years since my heart broke open, and I had to grieve in secret because I was so confused and everyone around me told me to just let it go. I found myself listening to the song, and this TDC, and struggling with wanting what I want and loving in ways that are...a lot. Because the other two people I love this deeply are in my life right now, and neither of them knows just how much I love them, even though it makes no damn sense and I want nothing beyond not wanting how much I love them to be a burden and a source of pain in our relationships like it was for D and I before she died because we didn't have the label for, with irony, conventional label defying loving. I couldn't tell her what I was feeling with accuracy, so we settled on assumptions and approximations and she died without me ever getting to tell her I loved her the way I needed and wanted to.
Because it's not romantic, it's not just friends, with either of them. With one of them it's not even remotely sexual, not even in the slightest. It's somewhere in this infinite, multidimensional in-between where I don't think I will ever be met by another human at this rate and that is...lonely. Just as lonely as I feel when I remember D is gone and so many years lie between my heart and her memories. Just as lonely as it feels to ache for those irreplaceable loves who lives blossom and fade like wildflowers at the end of spring. I miss her. I miss the two people I love this way now. I regret nothing but the heaviness being unable to fit sometimes brings, and I try to use it as a foundation to build a world where someone else will.
Love is so hard. Life is hard. That much I know.
But both are worth it.
Rest well, Daniel.
May the journey home give you peace.
Thank you for giving me peace, too.
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