ST. EXPEDITE ALTAR SERVICE

WHO IS ST. EXPEDITE + HOW I WORK WITH HIM


Also know as St. Expeditus, the tl;dr version of this story is that St. Expedite is - as his name implies! - the patron saint of urgent matters. He is a swift and effective Divine intercessor, worked with regularly in a number of folk magic traditions, including Hoodoo and New Orleans Voodoo (not to be confused with Haitian Vodou.) 

While requests to him vary widely, he is best known for supporting remediating issues with one's finances (fast luck & money) esp. in emergency situations, as well as helping one quickly and smoothly navigate legal waters and red tape. I, personally, work with him to keep sales flowing, to give my magical work an extra va-voom, and to support my marketing & advertising efforts.

As a Jewish femme, a working relationship with a Saint may seem...a bit out of place? if you assume that a shared belief in Jesus of Nazareth as mashiach is required. While I may recite rosaries and speak invocations that touch on Mr. Jesus, I do so out of respect for how saints - venerable members of the Mighty Dead - wish to be addressed. The form & function of my work, and the form & function of my personal practice, can be two different things quite readily.

St. Expedite has done right by me & my communities on a frequent and regular basis over the years, and as a result, he has his own honored place in my home, and I regularly venerate him on behalf of myself and clients like you.


about the process

I maintain a personal/communal altar to St. Expedite where I present your short-term request/petition.

After you complete payment + the appropriate form, I will print, sign, and dress your petition, and add it to the mason jar I keep on his altar. Once a week, I make a very simple offering of a candle and some water, and petition the good saint to work on my client's behalf.

Once a month (around the 13th or so), I empty out this vessel of old petitions, say thank you for his service, and present him with offerings of thanksgiving -- (usually) sharing these photos with participants via email, directly, as well as through social media. This date can shift a bit due to my chronic illness, but the important thing is that the jar's petitions get emptied out every 30-45 days. Traditionally, when St. Expedite fulfills your request, you should honor and sing his praises somewhere publicly -- which I highly recommend -- but because this is a communal working, I take on this responsibility on your behalf.

The goal of this work is to share the benefit of my cultivated, long-standing relationship, in order to support you in pursuit of your goals and intentions.

THIS SERVICE IS A GREAT FIT IF...

  • You have a SHORT-TERM and SPECIFIC ask, with a SPECIFIC deadline. — Your petition should have a deadline within the next 30-45 days, have a short + sweet + specific ask/clear, and fulfillable requirements. Check out this blog post from Sphere + Sundry for some ideas, along with suggestions for building your own relationship with the Saint.

  • You understand magic is about shifting probabilities + accessing new possibilities. — The purpose of using magic is to enable us to better tip the odds in our favour, by changing how we view and interact with ourselves, others, and situation(s) or goal(s) at hand. Even if you don’t believe in the supernatural, you can receive benefit from this work if you are open-minded and contemplative of how the symbols and semiotics of the art being created speak to you on a creative, intrapersonal level. If you can interject and see meaning, mystery, and questions about who we are in a sunset or in the ways we speak to one another, you have the capacity to use my art effectively for your own enrichment.

  • You have a clear, workable plan in place that could succeed without magical intervention. — Magic off the screen or page, and out in the real world, is not a cure-all, snap-your-fingers, fairy dust thing. The single greatest piece of sorcerous advice I’ve ever come across, by way of Jason Miller, is that sorcery is best applied to situations where there is a pragmatic, functional plan in place. Barring my clients who had odd flukes of luck, the clients who have seen some of the more explosive results have been those who busted their ass and more than met the work halfway, including by having a plan that would’ve worked *without* magic. To quote an old Hoodoo adage, “First comes the working, then comes the work.”

  • You can comfortably say ‘yes’ to affording my services without unmanageable debt, fear, or anxiety. — Right out of the gate, while other professionals may giddily brag about a client selling a family heirloom or taking out a second mortgage to work with them, that is absolutely NOT how I operate. Do not put me in that position. If putting this money into my pocket makes you feel anything other that geared up, ready to go, and lovingly + strongly supported, I do not want your money. Any restless anxiety, desperation, or fear is a red stop sign I want you to follow.

HOW TO SUBMIT A PETITION


Pricing for individual St. Expedite petitions is Pay What You Can, with recommendations for potential contributions based on the Green Bottle Model of Sliding Scale Pricing (click the image or this link to see the full-sized image)

Please see the numbers below as rough rules of thumb. I trust that any participant will act with integrity and also that you are responsible, discerning, and know your finances best. 

If you can afford to give generously, please know that this helps me make better offerings and support others who are not as economically privileged, empowered, or comfortable.

RECOMMENDED RATES

Right Bottle - $1.00 - $10.00 USD

Middle Bottle - $10.00 - $15.00 USD

Left Bottle - $15.00+ USD

BUT THERE'S A CATCH...


Oaths and sworn pacts are a common part of working magic, and I use this as a mechanism to protect my integrity and boundaries in my experience and in my service to the Divine.

PLEASE BE AWARE
that participation in *all* of my spiritual service comes with an in-built promise to my spirits, wherein you swear to redistribute a (generous, whatever that feels like/means to you, amount...you'll know what it is, 'cause it should feel like a small squeeze!) portion of any financial cash benefit you feel you receive from this work directly to others who are marginalised and/or in need, both of communal care but also solidarity. DO NOT give to NPOs and NGOs that have means testing, or that don't contribute to community-directed initiatives that benefit people directly.

  1. Direct Cash Gifts & GoFundMes (preferred option) — Esp. to BIPOC, MaGe (marginalized genders), and/or disabled & chronically ill people.
  2. Debt Forgiveness — Rolling Jubilee
  3. Bail Funds — National Bail Fund Network (USA)
  4. Mutual Aid Funds — Food Not Bombs, The STAY Project
  5. Prisoner Support & Prison Abolition Projects — SWOP Behind Bars, Redemption Row, Critical Resistance, The Innocence Project
  6. Alexis’ Near & Dear — The Snack SackCherokee Preservation Foundation, The Cherokee Nation, Chi-Nations Youth Council, Assata’s Daughters, Jewish Voice For Peace, Voice Project for Imprisoned Artists, International Leonard Peltier Defense Committee, Wear Your Voice, Sarah’s Circle, Cultural Survival, Freedom for Mumia Abu-Jamal, Autistic Self Advocacy Network

Breaking this oath with intentionality and malice will have consequences of unknown character, severity, and quantity, so please consider this rider -very- carefully before you work with me, because I am not responsible for any afflictions of bad luck and soured honor on your part.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS


  • Can I purchase a petition on behalf of someone else, as a gift? — Yes, you may fill out the petition form on behalf of a spouse/committed partner, child, or other family member WITH THEIR CONSENT. Please do NOT do this for friends or strangers.

  • I’ve received a tremendous amount of benefit from a St. Expedite service, and would like to share that with you. How can I do that? — Oh wow, thank you so much! Becoming a general, ongoing patron of my work or sending me a one-time contribution or gift is welcome

  • Can I petition for love, marriage, spiritual growth, etc.? — Yes, but...only if you can connect your petition to a REASONABLE (as in: it could happen without magical intercession) short-term ask. 

  • Are you SWer friendly? — Absolutely! I would extra love to work with you, in fact!

  • Do you work with clients of all spiritual, etc., backgrounds? — Yes. Members of my communities and patrons of my services cross a number of identities, beliefs, and paths — as long as you honor the oath as instructed, what you believe is your business.

  • Will you help me write my petition/review my petition? — Unfortunately, I am unable to assist with drafting or reviewing the contents of your petition due to the volume of participants. Please keep it brief — no more than 2-3 short, specific sentences. Please check out this blog post from Sphere + Sundry for suggestions on this and other supportive tips.

  • What if I can’t think of a specific petition right now? — You can submit a general petition asking St. Expedite to speed blessings towards you, and grant you swift & enduring good luck and fortune.

BUT IS IT GUARANTEED TO WORK?


Now, let’s talk about guarantees, reasonable risk, etc.

First and foremost: if you are feeling any sort of desperation, pressure, or coercion from me *or* any other influences, please do not sign up or inquire to work with me. This also applies to having to making a contribution you can’t afford on a credit card out of guilt/shame, or sending me a contribution when you’re down to a few dollars. I know it’s very tempting to take that leap of faith, but please, DO NOT buy into a rite or attempt to hire me if it’s going to put you in financial distress.

That’s not what these tools are for - they are meant to help improve your life, not make it more stressful! Signing up for any of my services under these conditions would not be good for me, and it definitely won’t be good for you, as that is not a prime zone for magic to work its, well, magic in, as it were.

Insofar as guarantees, I am legally obliged to say that this is a work of art and for entertainment purposes only. Which is true, it IS a work of art - performance art - and you are paying to support the art and for my wisdom, time, and experience, NOT for results. Any magical practitioner who makes representations to you of 100% accuracy, 100% guarantee, etc., is a liar and a fraud. That is deeply unethical as well as objectively cruel.

What I can say is that I agree with Gordon White of Runesoup: I, personally, believe magic works 100% of the time, it’s just a matter of whether or not, 1) It works well enough for you to notice a shift in probabilities (example: you do luck magic to win the lottery, but the odds are so astronomical that even if your working was a rousing success, it’s still not enough to generate a noticeable change!), and 2) It manifests a change in alignment with your desires and intentions, which is not fully within your control anyways. I share this so you understand what you’re signing up for, and that once you purchase a petition, it’s non-refundable, because you’re paying for art and time, which are things I can’t get or give back once they’ve manifested in the world through my work.

I work with clients of all backgrounds who are interested in exploring how magic can help them achieve their goals and aspirations, and I endeavour to work from the most grounded, realistic, and thoughtful frame possible in order to create the best containers possible for success. However, magic-for-hire offerings are COLLABORATIVE - while you might not have to do the magical bits, you very much have to invest yourself into the practical bits - so if you’re expecting this service to *snap* and fix all your problems for you, save us both the trouble, beloved.

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